Being a young girl that is a Christian I've been raised to wait till marriage. To keep my first kiss for the guy who proposes to me and to stay pure for that guy. I was taught that sleeping around was bad and that you only dated someone when you wanted to marry them, not just because you have feelings. Growing up I added to my belief and will love to say it was not a belief but a set of morals I lived by. It was who I was. Yet, the more and more I grew up I realized there was a lot of things that questioned what I stood for and it became much more harder for me to say "No" or to walk away.
I remember when I was in grade four or five , I started this thing that only lasted a year. Whenever a guy will come to close to me I will sneeze and ask them to back away from me just because I was allergic to them. Looking back it was hilarious because it wasn't like they were approaching me with a sexual thought but it may have been during a simple conversation, they were just passing by or their soccer ball rolled over to me and they were coming to get it. No matter the situation I always sneezed and told them to back off. As a kid I was so fixated on doing the right thing and just being a good girl, there was no way I was going to go guy crazy, cry over boys or let some guy touch me in a sexual way. My heart, mind, eyes, and soul was for God. There was no way a guy was going to get all that from me. Couple years ago a high-school friend reminded me over messenger that I use to tell the other girls back in the days that "I was going to marry Jesus." I squirmed so hard at the thought of it, just like Peter I was like "Nope, I never said that...not me. You must have got the wrong person."
It's funny how the person I am have changed completely compare to that young little girl that just wanted to be fully in love with God to the point where she was saying publicly "I am going to marry Jesus". I would love to say my mom made sure I was far from guys and taught me that hilarious sneezing joke but she did not. I remember telling her and she was amazed by the things I came up with and how much of a good girl I was. If I was suppose to tell her right now half the things I waste my time on she will not be that proud mom that I saw when I told her I sneezed when guys came around. In fact, I am not too proud of myself simply because I have valued a lot more things over God. The amount times I have spent crying over guys, fighting over them, ruining friendships, changing myself and hurting myself for guys is so much more than the time I spent worshiping, reading the bible, building myself up as a young woman and taking time to listen to God. I simply went after the wrong guy.
I was busy looking for someone who can make me feel loved in the moment, someone I can call when I'm bored, lonely, angry or even happy. I wanted someone I can share good news with or someone who thought of me every morning and every night, I simply wanted someone to love and in the same time have someone love me back. Most of my life time have been spent trying to answer the question "what is love?" and thinking I needed physical actions to show me what it was. I started to appreciate the smallest of gestures such as hugs, holding hands, placing my head on someone's shoulder,eye conversations, having someone's arm around me, a kiss on the cheek, an "i love you" or a "i'm thinking of you" text, or even a simple hangout. These things meant the world to me because I understood, the more of those I got the more I was loved and who does want to be loved.
The smallest of things were the biggest of things for me. Funny thing is I beat my myself up for half the things I did or think about. Yet, when I talk to my friends about it their like "Nahh Helene that is normal. Remember when I did so-and-so? You're good. Don't break a sweat you're still our goodies two shoes" For awhile that was comforting, I would leave that conversation thinking
"Okay well I'm not as bad as them haha. I did not go that far"
"I did not do half the things they did."
I found comfort in not being as out there as my other friends. I was telling myself
"Okay maybe I did a few things here and there but people are out there sleeping their life away, or going from lips to lips...I'm not doing that I'm good."
" A little flirting can't hurt anyone."
"As long as I'm still a virgin all is good. I can do whatever I want *beyonce voice*"
All that thinking did not help me, in fact it made me feel horrible because I was thinking I was better than my friends and I was completely removing God from the picture. I did not stop to consider maybe I am not sleeping or kissing people but I was placing my worth in them. I was thinking about a certain guy every minute and left no time for God. Let's not even get into what God says about lust because I was miles away from obeying it. I was comparing myself to a standard that I no longer lived by or should live by. I am a Christian and a child of God I should not live like the World therefore, I should not compare myself to them. The way non Christians live their life is not the same like mine at all, I should portray God in how I act and think. People may not hear my thoughts but it shows in the way I dress, act, and how I talk.
The thing about God that I love is that no matter what if you are willing to stop and listen he will talk. If you read his words or simply listen to Christian music he can use those words or lyrics to change what you are doing that is wrong to do what is right. As much as I thought love was a physical thing and that the quantity determined the quality, God showed me everyday that he loved me and that is what matters. What I was looking for can only be found through Him. There's no way to life satisfaction without going through him, experiencing and understanding his love. As he teaches me this, I find it hard to tell myself "stop flirting with the guy. He's not the answer, there's nothing he can give you that will make me feel satisfied with life." Yet, I believe it's a journey, it's a life long journey to learn to be satisfied with God then myself and then, more like if a relationship happens I will know how to be in one and not long for them to fix me or make me feel satisfied.
A quote that has been repeating in my head is "what consumes you, controls you." Every time I read it or think of it there's a "daaaanng" kinda silence following it after because it is true. I was consumed with guys and love so everything that came in my head was about that. This week I was walking on campus with my friend and we were having a deep heart-to-heart conversation. As we were walking a group of tall Caucasian males walked by and as they were a little bit further my friend asked me "So which one?" and I did not need to ask her what she meant because my mind was there too (hence why I was looking on the floor because if I had saw them I assume I would have tripped and embarrassed myself). Despite us having a serious conversation our minds and hearts were on guys so when a group of guys passed by we reacted (in two different ways, but still reacted). It goes the same for when a guy has been on your mind for such a long time and you see him depending on who you are you are either going to be very friendly (flirty) towards him or you are going to get awkward because he's in front of you and not just in your head...So shifting my thoughts is like a big thing for me right now. I will literally rebuke my thoughts or tell myself "no no. I am not thinking this right now because it does not benefit me." If I want to return to being overwhelmed by God and His love I need to think of that and just consume myself with Him.